Texas Our Texas
By urbanhoustonian at January 10, 2010 | 6:04 PM | Print
Before the sting of the BCS National Championship Game loss fades, I’d like to say a few things to our UT friends. I’m not sure you realize this or not, but a majority of this state really doesn’t care for your football team. Oh, I know, you’re just going to sit there and tell me they are just jealous of Longhorns’ success. Yes, we all know that Texas reigns supreme amongst the Texas schools when it comes to football. Blah, blah, blah. You have 9 National Championships to your credit, besting by 6 the next two schools, SMU and Texas A&M. I get that, and you’ll get no argument from me, Longhorn Football rocks. But here’s a question for you, do you have to be such pricks about it?
For my part, I don’t have much against the Longhorns. I was assimilated into Aggie culture at a young age by my brother, but that programming was finally undone when they hired that sack of shit Dennis Francione. While I wish them well, I’ve become rather neutral in all things UT vs. A&M. No, my problem is I’ve become tired of listening to the Longhorn fans, and their OBNOXIOUS arrogance. You know what you sound like? Sooner fans. What’s ironic in this situation is that I actually like the Sooners. I think it comes down to geography, and the fact that UT fans greatly out number OU fans here in Houston. More on that later.
To illustrate how terrible it is, let’s look back at Thursday’s game, and Colt McCoy’s injury. That was one of the most devastating things I have ever seen in sports. For an athlete to accomplish what Colt had during his career at UT, and then have it legacy defining moment taken away from him was just tragic. But here’s the thing Longhorn fans, there were people celebrating, laughing and thoroughly enjoying EVERY MINUTE OF IT! I mean SAVORING it like that first sip of a perfectly frosted Lone Star at a Saturday morning tailgate. No sympathy, only schadenfreude. I’ve never seen anything like it. To make things worse, some UT fans turned on Colt, calling him out for abandoning his team, sacrificing them (read: the fans, NOT the team) for a big paycheck in the NFL. It was like hungry wolves in the dead of winter turning on a member of the pack. Then, to top it all off, you actually had the nerve to criticize Gilbert, playing in the National Championship game against a relentless Nick Saban-designed defensive squad, when he wasn’t playing too well. In short, it was an ugly night for all.
Now we find ourselves with a long eight months until the kick off of another college football season, and I think it’s high time we started mending some fences in this great state. We’re not all going to agree, but we need to get along better, and it starts with you Longhorns to set the example. Hey, if you want to lead, it’s time to lead by example.
It’s not totally your fault, a lot of the blame lies with Black Moses. Who is Black Moses, you ask? Black Moses was a great quarterback that parted the Red (and Gold) Sea to deliver the Longhorns to the promised land. Shortly thereafter, the Texans of the land of Houston drafted a defensive end from N.C. State. For Longhorn fans, this was like the GM of the Jerusalem Gentiles passing on that talented kid from Nazareth. Feeling slighted and still drunk off their National Championship, many of them began actively cheering for the Tennessee Titans. This was, as they say, when the honeymoon ended for me and Longhorn fans. You see, Houstonians just don’t cheer for the Titans, it’s just not right. Black Moses went on to begin a promising career as the right hand of Satan Bud Adams. It did not help things that Black Moses had a resurgence at the same time the Longhorns were making another run at a national championship behind the arm of Quarterback Jesus.
(NOTE: There is substantial evidence that the true QB Jesus played for the Florida Gators, where he won 2 National Championships and Heisman Award’s. The truth of this matter remains a big source of contention among Longhorns and Gators.)
You can imagine the fear that came over the non-UT Texan nation when it appeared that Quarterback Jesus went down so that Garrett Gilbert might live to see the greatest moment in Longhorn football history. Yes, Longhorns, you would have been insufferable had Gilbert achieved the impossible. Which is why I subsequently stopped cheering for your team when the score got to be 24-21. After long suffering through the stories of Black Moses and Quaterback Jesus, I was very much against starting the legend of Gilbert the Great’s triumph over Hannibal Saban’s army of elephants.
The good news is, your team appears to be in good enough hands to return to a a BCS bowl next season. Not “Title Game” mind you, but you might want to start checking out airfare for Arizona for next January. So listen, your team clearly is the front runner for being the Team of Texas, but you gotta chill out, and give the rest of us a chance to enjoy it. I mean, the National Championship Trophy is going to be displayed in WAL-MART FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Something has to be done. We should be floating that crystal football down the River Walk, taking it to SXSW and showing it a fine time at the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo! Still, a lot of Texans will bear witness to this tragedy as long as it means we don’t have to listen to the moo’s of Longhorn fans over the next 5 years. When all is said and done, Texans should (but don’t have to) want a Texas school, whoever it might be, to bring a national title back to the Lone Star state. That team is NEVER going to be Texas as long as you continue to behave the way you do.
Believe it or not, you have some competition from my beloved TCU Horned Frogs. Here’s what we’ve got on you. We’re a perpetual underdog, and everyone loves the underdog! Our fan base is considerably smaller which makes us more charming and less ubiquitous than Burnt Orange Nation. Plus, everything bit of quirky cool you have in Austin you get in true Texas charm in Fort Worth. Oh, purple > burnt orange. And, finally, Gary Patterson would make Mack Brown his bitch in a street fight.
But we’re not perfect either. Despite the patience we showed in FINALLY reaching a BCS Bowl game, we wanted more, and we picked a fight TOO early with your bovine supremacy. Then we laid an egg in the Fiest Bowl against Boise State, the OTHER team in the nation that makes TERRIBLE use of orange in their uniforms. However, one thing we can agree on, Texas has got Idaho beat when it comes to cheerleaders, dance teams and female fans in general.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-r02-oZAW4]
But what about A&M, Texas Tech and Baylor? Well, Aggies, you have your own issues with Texas that I would never tell you to give up. However, you gotta do something. TCU has become the #2 program in the state without a lot of fight from you. You can get back into this game if you capitalize on this next season as a true spoiler, but your window is closing. Tech? You squandered your one shot last year when OU took your #2 and beat you like Raider Red-headed stepchild. Now all this Mike Leach stuff, and you’re appear to be dead in the water. For the record, Mike Leach is either salted fucking nuts or your school president and AD are total fools. Neither is a base ingredient to having a successful football program. While I do like the Tuberville hire, I just don’t see him changing up the Texas football pecking order. Baylor? Hmm, I honestly believe you’d be where TCU is if you had gotten left out of the Big 12 instead of the Frogs. You have the same kind of spoiler air as A&M, but if it comes down to either of you competing with Texas, it’s going to be A&M. The public vs. private school thing is hard to overcome. And that doesn’t even go into their strength of alumni base. I’d invest a LOT into your basketball program, you appear to have some promise there.
Now to our two local teams Rice and UofH. We’ll start with Rice because, well, they’re never going to be a football school, and they do a very good job of handling those Longhorns on the baseball diamond from time to time. As for the Coogs. Well, you’re about 5-10 BEHIND where TCU is right now. I know, it sucks, but you got all “We’re going BCS baby!” after your back-to-back wins over Oklahoma State and Texas Tech. It was BEYOND premature, particularly considering the Cowboys and Raiders proved to be very overrated this season and Conference USA does not boast anyone to boost your BCS cred. You can beat all the BCS AQ (automatic qualifier) schools you want, you’ll still get passed up by teams beating those same schools later in the season during conference play. (Exhibit A: See Cincinatti passing TCU in the final regular season BCS rankings after winning the Big East Championship game against Pitt.) That’s reality. It’s taken 10 years of hard work on TCU’s part to 1. Beat the schools they needed to beat from the Big 12 and other AQ conferences and 2. Rule over a conference that has a bona fide BCS Buster, Utah, and great program in BYU.
I’m excited to finally seem some life from UofH after all these years, but you need to pace yourself and show some patience. No one just walks into the BCS from the land of the non-AQ. Boise State, Utah and TCU didn’t just waltz into this game. And don’t whine, either. Boise State was undefeated and beat an undefeated team in a BCS bowl, and ended the season #4 behind, not one, but TWO teams with one loss. Last season, TCU beat an undefeated Boise State to finish #7 . They started this season #17, two spots BEHIND Boise State. You think it’s unfair now, you have NO IDEA.
So where do we go from here? I don’t really know. For the time being, UT is currently the Lone Star State’s best option when it comes to a National Title. Personally, I’d like to enjoy these opportunities instead of dreading them. That depends on our Longhorn friends adopting a better attitude. Will that happen? I don’t know, but I’d hope the thought of people celebrating the untimely demise of their prized QB would give them some reason to think about how they behave. One of my biggest joys this bowl season was receiving well wishes from my friends for my Horned Frogs, before AND after the game. It was a truly great feeling, and it helped ease the pain of that difficult Fiesta Bowl loss.
Can’t we all just get along?
